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Subject:Odd?
Time:10:49 pm
Two things-

1.) I have a pretty good condition headboard/bed frame/dresser & mirror combo- it's light (Sauder) oak- and yours for a VERY reasonable price if you want to come and get it from my old apartment in Tonawanda.

2.) Do you happen to be a Jesus loving drummer who might be looking for a new (even if temporary) home on Sunday mornings? We're in desperate need and would love to meet with you if you're interested in helping us out with our worship services. We are an Assembly of God church.

Oh man, I hope I find someone to respond to BOTH of these!
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Subject:things that make you go "hmm"
Time:01:41 pm
i think it's kind of awesome that despite our differences, when i read my sisters' livejournals i think of how much we are all the same.

i love them.
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Subject:What Am I Thankful For?
Time:12:22 pm
In years past, I have taken the time around thanksgiving for all the things I have been given. Today I have had multiple reminders that I also have to thank God for sparing me from the things in this life that I have not had to face, though there are many men, women, and children around the World that have to face them daily.

As I walked from the parking lot into my school, just on time (but of course not early) I saw my favorite student leaving her mother's SUV. This child has a personality that is fierce, her smile will always brighten a room, and when she is unhappy, boy do you know about it. She is beautiful, innocent, and has a completely "seen on tv" attitude- think stomped feet and overly flexible neck when she is angry. Today, however, I didn't have the time to wave and say hello, walk her to her class as I would have any other day. Her mother came flying around the car and started beating her, full on punches to the head and neck. She lifted her up and threw her on the ground, despite the screams and protests of two adults who were obviously as horrified as I was. I ran over, saying her name, willing her to come to me. The school counselor got there first, and this child's mother (still screaming profanities) knocked the counselor out of the way screaming "Take your hands off my child, you don't have to raise her. I raise this child."

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. "- Proverbs 22:6

This is what she is being raised in? I have never seen a person touch a child in such a manner, and I went into the school building (after this beautiful. fragile, tiny child was taken out of harm's way) visibly shaken. I am so grateful that even if I did not always live in a house full of worship music on Saturday mornings, or parents that were home after I returned from school, I was raised in an environment of love and care. My parents, though occasionally choosing force to discipline, never once raised a hand to me out of anything but correction in love. I fear for this child. For whatever the outcome of this situation, she has been brought up and trained in an environment that uses abuse as a form of reinforcement. I regret ever whining about a family who may have at times not been my biggest support system, because whenever I truly need any of them, they have always been and always will be there.

I have so many things that I have been given to be thankful for- I am truly and irrevocably blessed. The blessing, however, not only comes from Him giving us what we do not deserve in terms of love, grace, and blessings, but from him sparing us from the things we do deserve- the wages of our sin. Today, I have also seen that he has preserved me from much of what I could have faced on Earth.

Father, My thanks- for what I have been given and for what I have been kept from. Amen.
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Subject:Hot Anniversary Date!
Time:09:45 pm
I need an EXCELLENT reccomendation for REALLY REALLY delicious food. Will travel. It is our dating anniversary but we're still celebrating even though we're now married because hey, why not.

(p.s. we are going tomorrow so it can't be a way in advance reservation kind of place!)
(p.s.s. please comment quickly because as mentioned it is for tomorrow!!)
(p.s.s.s. did I mention REALLY REALLY delicious?)
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Subject:weddings vs. marriage
Time:10:33 am
i think that i have been wrong all along in thinking my mother was insulting me when she talked about her marriage which started in a plaid dress, with a forty eight dollar ring from Brand Names, and was followed by a reception in her mother's living room. I have thought she was scolding me for extravagance, and all this time I have been pinching and working to keep everything relatively low cost, compared to weddings today. i was wrong though. She wasn't insulting me. She wasn't telling me I had to cut back or that I had to give up my silly dreams of a fairy tale wedding (which isn't even what I want...) She was telling me that no matter how nice my WEDDING was, that my marriage would not be better or worse for it. No matter how many people were there, or how I look, or where or what we eat, at the end of the day, it will just be Greg and I. That the struggle of everyday will not be easier if you spend $5,000 or $48 on a ring if you don't remember what the ring you are wearing represents.

If you think about it, weddings have alot to do with pretense. Two people, dressed in better clothes than they will ever wear (unless they are a barbie doll) with their hair done in ways they probably never wear it, and with more make up on then normal (for the pictures.) What's important about a wedding? Not registries, or engagement parties, or save the dates. Not the originality of the center pieces, or the usefulness of the favors, or chair covers, or open bars, or buffets vs. sit down. The important part of the wedding is the oath that when the fanfare ceases, your love will not. I am marrying Greg to have a marriage, not a wedding. A home- whether full of color coordinated tupperware, or in the corner of the world in poverty- that travels with you. Part of my love for Greg has to do with the fact that he doesn't need anything but God and I, and I don't need anything more than that either. I don't need everything to be perfect- I just need us to fight for each other when it is not.

So as I look into tomorrow and see all the stress that people are associating with "the wedding," I am excited to know that it doesn't end there, it begins. That August 17th, 2008 will truly be the best day, because it will be the first day that I am one with the person who I will stand beside until my last day. August 16th? I could take it or leave it... because what I am looking forward to is something that will last far FAR beyond that.
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Subject:in awe.
Time:11:54 am
since may fifth, 2007, i have officially been in a slump. or had been in a slump, i guess you can say until a few days ago when i snapped out of it and realized that i needed to start pushing. it's not enough to float forward. you'll never get anywhere, and more often then not, you'll feel like you have moved either way less or way more than you wanted to, and usually in the wrong direction.

i have spent the past few days filling out applications, sorting through miscellaneous college left over boxes, and getting my thoughts straight. i am doing laundry, paying bills, and making a budget. i think being a grown up is impossible for me right now, but i will take a stab at this crazy thing called independence, where for the first time in eight years, i don't really have an authority figure that can take charge of my financial or spiritual life- which is good, because i need to do it myself. i think that the place alot of my fellow college (christian college in particular) graduates are feeling is that noone is going to push us anymore.

yes, people will still have expectations- but we have forced ourselves to look past theirs and create our own, to become fully and miserably self actualized individuals. people will even remind us of the "rules"- you know pray, tithe, and read your bible every day- but we have realized those things aren't what makes our relationship with God what it is. We become so wrapped up (in life, in self, in our "thoughts" on God which can fully distract us from a relationship with Him) that we begin to see life as the daily grind- and unfortunately, if you're like me, you start to feel like you don't fit into it. your job isn't coming through, and your standards don't feel like they are yours, and you almost feel like you have been pushed for the past 1,822,080 hours and you just want to sleep away the next 300,000 or so, to start to feel human again.

but the problem is- you never stop being human. in all that time, you were, and the stress and pushing, and self "motivation" has made irreversible (or seemingly irreversible) impacts on your mind, spirit, body, self esteem, and intent. you have lived life, no matter how pretend it all seemed, and now you are making the decisions that are irreversible.

so you start to try to catch up. that fails miserably as well, because there is no way to take it all back. there's no way to fix it.

so you stop. and breathe.

and He starts to whisper again.

oh Lord, how i have longed for your voice, and how i have hurt because i was making too much noise to hear it.

i'm Yours now.

again, if I ever was- but from now on, if I wasn't.
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Time:02:33 pm
Ten things I love, beginning with the letter L... in honor of the love of my life, Heather Angel. I wish I had the letter H, so I could write about her. (If you wanna play, comment, and I will give you a letter!)

listening
language
love
leaves
laughter
lightning
lasagna
leadership
lilacs
laughter

it's been too long since i wrote in this.
my life is good.
i am happy.
i am in love.
i am ready to graduate.
almost the same spot as most of ya'll.
except a little more jesus.
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Time:11:15 pm
Current Mood:crushedcrushed
it is infuriating to be told to stop struggling.

if you could, would it be a struggle?

if i ever said that to anyone, especially to the person that said it to me, i would be considered beyond inconsiderate. more than inconsiderate. uncaring.

i have tried EVERYDAY to let this feeling of not being enough go- and i am ashamed that it has not worked.

thanks for the answer everyone gives- i wonder if you were even listening.
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Time:03:05 am
Current Mood:apatheticpassive-aggressive
Passive–aggressive
Function: adjective
: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate)
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Passive–aggressive
Function: adjective
: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate) <a passive–aggressive personality> —passive–aggressively adverb


soooooooooooooooo weak.
thanks adam.
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Time:07:29 pm
who ever thought that coming back to the place that once was the most familiar would leave me feeling so out of place...

and i don't really have anyone i can turn to right now- people are too busy, or too far, or too confused or all three. i feel as though i have almost completely lost my support base (except my family, of course, who are people in my life that are consistently available.)

at least for this season.

and something i learned this weekend?
that's okay.
he never said it would be easy...
he only said i'd never go alone.
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[icon] Behind that smile...
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