| i think it's kind of awesome that despite our differences, when i read my sisters' livejournals i think of how much we are all the same.
i love them. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| In years past, I have taken the time around thanksgiving for all the things I have been given. Today I have had multiple reminders that I also have to thank God for sparing me from the things in this life that I have not had to face, though there are many men, women, and children around the World that have to face them daily.
As I walked from the parking lot into my school, just on time (but of course not early) I saw my favorite student leaving her mother's SUV. This child has a personality that is fierce, her smile will always brighten a room, and when she is unhappy, boy do you know about it. She is beautiful, innocent, and has a completely "seen on tv" attitude- think stomped feet and overly flexible neck when she is angry. Today, however, I didn't have the time to wave and say hello, walk her to her class as I would have any other day. Her mother came flying around the car and started beating her, full on punches to the head and neck. She lifted her up and threw her on the ground, despite the screams and protests of two adults who were obviously as horrified as I was. I ran over, saying her name, willing her to come to me. The school counselor got there first, and this child's mother (still screaming profanities) knocked the counselor out of the way screaming "Take your hands off my child, you don't have to raise her. I raise this child."
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. "- Proverbs 22:6
This is what she is being raised in? I have never seen a person touch a child in such a manner, and I went into the school building (after this beautiful. fragile, tiny child was taken out of harm's way) visibly shaken. I am so grateful that even if I did not always live in a house full of worship music on Saturday mornings, or parents that were home after I returned from school, I was raised in an environment of love and care. My parents, though occasionally choosing force to discipline, never once raised a hand to me out of anything but correction in love. I fear for this child. For whatever the outcome of this situation, she has been brought up and trained in an environment that uses abuse as a form of reinforcement. I regret ever whining about a family who may have at times not been my biggest support system, because whenever I truly need any of them, they have always been and always will be there.
I have so many things that I have been given to be thankful for- I am truly and irrevocably blessed. The blessing, however, not only comes from Him giving us what we do not deserve in terms of love, grace, and blessings, but from him sparing us from the things we do deserve- the wages of our sin. Today, I have also seen that he has preserved me from much of what I could have faced on Earth.
Father, My thanks- for what I have been given and for what I have been kept from. Amen. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I need an EXCELLENT reccomendation for REALLY REALLY delicious food. Will travel. It is our dating anniversary but we're still celebrating even though we're now married because hey, why not.
(p.s. we are going tomorrow so it can't be a way in advance reservation kind of place!)
(p.s.s. please comment quickly because as mentioned it is for tomorrow!!)
(p.s.s.s. did I mention REALLY REALLY delicious?) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i think that i have been wrong all along in thinking my mother was insulting me when she talked about her marriage which started in a plaid dress, with a forty eight dollar ring from Brand Names, and was followed by a reception in her mother's living room. I have thought she was scolding me for extravagance, and all this time I have been pinching and working to keep everything relatively low cost, compared to weddings today. i was wrong though. She wasn't insulting me. She wasn't telling me I had to cut back or that I had to give up my silly dreams of a fairy tale wedding (which isn't even what I want...) She was telling me that no matter how nice my WEDDING was, that my marriage would not be better or worse for it. No matter how many people were there, or how I look, or where or what we eat, at the end of the day, it will just be Greg and I. That the struggle of everyday will not be easier if you spend $5,000 or $48 on a ring if you don't remember what the ring you are wearing represents.
If you think about it, weddings have alot to do with pretense. Two people, dressed in better clothes than they will ever wear (unless they are a barbie doll) with their hair done in ways they probably never wear it, and with more make up on then normal (for the pictures.) What's important about a wedding? Not registries, or engagement parties, or save the dates. Not the originality of the center pieces, or the usefulness of the favors, or chair covers, or open bars, or buffets vs. sit down. The important part of the wedding is the oath that when the fanfare ceases, your love will not. I am marrying Greg to have a marriage, not a wedding. A home- whether full of color coordinated tupperware, or in the corner of the world in poverty- that travels with you. Part of my love for Greg has to do with the fact that he doesn't need anything but God and I, and I don't need anything more than that either. I don't need everything to be perfect- I just need us to fight for each other when it is not.
So as I look into tomorrow and see all the stress that people are associating with "the wedding," I am excited to know that it doesn't end there, it begins. That August 17th, 2008 will truly be the best day, because it will be the first day that I am one with the person who I will stand beside until my last day. August 16th? I could take it or leave it... because what I am looking forward to is something that will last far FAR beyond that. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| since may fifth, 2007, i have officially been in a slump. or had been in a slump, i guess you can say until a few days ago when i snapped out of it and realized that i needed to start pushing. it's not enough to float forward. you'll never get anywhere, and more often then not, you'll feel like you have moved either way less or way more than you wanted to, and usually in the wrong direction.
i have spent the past few days filling out applications, sorting through miscellaneous college left over boxes, and getting my thoughts straight. i am doing laundry, paying bills, and making a budget. i think being a grown up is impossible for me right now, but i will take a stab at this crazy thing called independence, where for the first time in eight years, i don't really have an authority figure that can take charge of my financial or spiritual life- which is good, because i need to do it myself. i think that the place alot of my fellow college (christian college in particular) graduates are feeling is that noone is going to push us anymore.
yes, people will still have expectations- but we have forced ourselves to look past theirs and create our own, to become fully and miserably self actualized individuals. people will even remind us of the "rules"- you know pray, tithe, and read your bible every day- but we have realized those things aren't what makes our relationship with God what it is. We become so wrapped up (in life, in self, in our "thoughts" on God which can fully distract us from a relationship with Him) that we begin to see life as the daily grind- and unfortunately, if you're like me, you start to feel like you don't fit into it. your job isn't coming through, and your standards don't feel like they are yours, and you almost feel like you have been pushed for the past 1,822,080 hours and you just want to sleep away the next 300,000 or so, to start to feel human again.
but the problem is- you never stop being human. in all that time, you were, and the stress and pushing, and self "motivation" has made irreversible (or seemingly irreversible) impacts on your mind, spirit, body, self esteem, and intent. you have lived life, no matter how pretend it all seemed, and now you are making the decisions that are irreversible.
so you start to try to catch up. that fails miserably as well, because there is no way to take it all back. there's no way to fix it.
so you stop. and breathe.
and He starts to whisper again.
oh Lord, how i have longed for your voice, and how i have hurt because i was making too much noise to hear it.
i'm Yours now.
again, if I ever was- but from now on, if I wasn't. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Ten things I love, beginning with the letter L... in honor of the love of my life, Heather Angel. I wish I had the letter H, so I could write about her. (If you wanna play, comment, and I will give you a letter!)
listening
language
love
leaves
laughter
lightning
lasagna
leadership
lilacs
laughter
it's been too long since i wrote in this.
my life is good.
i am happy.
i am in love.
i am ready to graduate.
almost the same spot as most of ya'll.
except a little more jesus. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 11:15 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/letdown.gif) crushed |
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| it is infuriating to be told to stop struggling.
if you could, would it be a struggle?
if i ever said that to anyone, especially to the person that said it to me, i would be considered beyond inconsiderate. more than inconsiderate. uncaring.
i have tried EVERYDAY to let this feeling of not being enough go- and i am ashamed that it has not worked.
thanks for the answer everyone gives- i wonder if you were even listening. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 03:05 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/blah.gif) passive-aggressive |
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| Passive–aggressive
Function: adjective
: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate) [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a [...] passive–aggressive>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Passive–aggressive Function: adjective : being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate) <a passive–aggressive personality> —passive–aggressively adverb soooooooooooooooo weak. thanks adam. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| who ever thought that coming back to the place that once was the most familiar would leave me feeling so out of place...
and i don't really have anyone i can turn to right now- people are too busy, or too far, or too confused or all three. i feel as though i have almost completely lost my support base (except my family, of course, who are people in my life that are consistently available.)
at least for this season.
and something i learned this weekend?
that's okay.
he never said it would be easy...
he only said i'd never go alone. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| It is so strange to know that I am cleaning up my room and that the next dorm room I live in will be the LAST dorm room I live in--
Yes, I am officially a Senior. We (the CHS kids I graduated with) are at different progressions in our educational walks, however most of us will be walking that line in May- some sooner- Andy is graduating in December, and we finally all realized that film IS a real major, and wait in anticipation to do our first Cameos. Or at least see his first commercial/music video on TV.
My sister has a pet bunny I have not met yet, but that I love to pieces. I hope she names it Smudge. That's such a cute name.
I am procrastinating because even I am amazed at the amount of mess and just things you need to throw away when you leave your room be for a week or so. And then pull everything out of all the crevices to streamline and make your way back to Buffalo.
Sigh. I cannot believe that I am this grown up.
Coming home today- Anne, I am so excited to see you- let's do lunch either right away or the next time I get money- which should be soon, because I have a scheme to make some! :-)
I love you all. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i am coming home on sunday.
cabin on friday.
i am more afraid of losing touch with the people who are going to be at home then the people who will be thousands of miles away- literally- my serese is FINALLY going to Africa. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 06:35 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/happy.gif) loved |
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| I cannot believe the effect that certain things in life could have on me.
I am at a point in my life where I am being blessed- new friendships are starting and older ones are strengthening- some, unfortunately are ending. I know that they tell you that you should live a life of no regrets, and I do- but I guess that somewhere along the way I would like to change a few things so that I could have better cared for and been better cared for by the people who shared my heart. It all comes down to choices, and sometimes you need to put things in priority, and realize when things become unhealthy.
All of that said, I still have cried a little the past couple days out of sheer frustration and wrestling with myself against making everyone else the bad guy. There is truly so much fault out there- what is good was really good... I am not going to dwell on the bad today. I know that I have been wrong. I know that I have hurt people that I love. And I know that I have made choices. We all have. I hope that the ones I made will make the Lord smile. I have asked forgiveness daily for the ones that I know will not.
Is it possible to have lived twenty years never living fully? For the first time in my life, everything feels stronger, it's like the part of my brain that I closed off, shut away, pretended didn't exist is slowly creeping out from the shadows, sensing that there is a safe place to rest. It is unfortunate that this part of my mind could have been fully operative all along.
I never knew that I was so afraid of emotional connection.
I have always fought hard, and loved harder. It is the Italian way. I realized this week that the way I have loved to this point has been a cop out. No real risk to me- temporary hurt, but eventually there is complete healing, and satisfaction in the fact that you never really shared yourself with people. This is ending. My life is becoming transparent, my relationships are fully developed. They have as much of me as I have of them. And I am LOVING. And it is scary. And amazing. And the thought that I have missed out on this before leads me to believe that I never really have put in my one hundred percent. I have loved them with one hundred percent of my heart, served them with one hundred percent of my actions, but never gave them even fifty percent of myself.
To share myself with people is the most frightening thing I face on a daily basis. No matter how deeply I feel things and no matter how much of a vocabulary I have, it is almost impossible for me to express. I stumble, my stomach jumps, my chest tightens and I listen to them express their love and wait, anxious, for the point where they will turn around and not need me anymore.
This has happened.
This might happen again.
The problem with history repeating itself is that there is no point in the repition if you have not learned how to beat it. I would rather be destroyed under the weight of love then be protected by holding myself back.
And I do love. I am in love.
That is insane. This is the first and maybe last place for a long while I will share that because I doubt many people got to that part of the entry anyway. My heart is coming alive slowly. I remember reading in Jessica Darling that you need to use your synapses by a certain point in life, or that part of your brain will never learn how to make the connections. This is silly science that may not exist, but I am still glad to be making these synaptic connections. For the first time in my life, I am actually momentarily compelled to do things like look up how to say I love you in fifty different languages, write lyrics to sappy song like "You and Me" by Lifehouse in my livejournal, and call my older sister to get excited with her that I told someone how I really feel.
I am not sure of what changes this is making in my heart, but I will tell you this- the reason that this is wonderful is because I am still one hundred percent myself. I don't have to lose any of myself in him. It is amazing. My heart is still fully in the hands of Christ.
And I can still share it with him.
I am so happy.
But more than that, there is "Joy Unspeakable."
My heart is so glad to be known by the Lord. He knows just what I need, and thankfully, He has provided for this season. No matter what happens- I am blessed. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| love.
this is a topic that i have been focused on lately:
that i have gotten to a point where my parents have to love me for who i am not for the fact that i am their daughter.
that my friends have to either love me completely- or not love me at all. i can't expend the energy that it takes to pretend i am anyone but who i am.
that love between two people- the love that takes your breath away, that changes ideas, that breaks your heart.
... in another note:
"Don't let your emotions control your faith, let your faith control your emotions."
Therefore- if a relationship is controlled by emotions it is not controlled by faith- therefore: ... it is not healthy. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | as long as your mine- wicked | | Time: | 01:56 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/whonky.gif) silly |
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| ten to one
10 states you've been to:
01. new york
02. pennsylvania
03. florida
04. south carolina
05. new mexico
06. ohio
07. new jersey
08. colorado
09. north carolina
10. maryland
9 lasts:
Last dollar spent: making dinner for my family- gourmet cooking is pricey!
Last cigarette: never. Yuck.
Last beverage: the milk in the bottom of my honey nut cheerios.
Last movie: home movies with my mama last night.
Last phone call: mom, trying to get her to spring out of work. My plans failed.
Last Song Sang: defying gravity- wicked (the musical)
Last Vacation: going to visit serese over christmas in Syracuse. Amazing times.
Last time you cried: This morning in the shower.
Last time you ate: Honey Nut Cheerios out of a Mickey Mouse mug just now.
Have you evers:
Have you ever dated a best friend: nooo... but I plan to.
Have you ever skinny dipped: umm. Yeah. I think when we were little we used to in North Tonawanda.
Have you ever kissed someone & regretted it: I guess not. I mean why regret the one time it happened?
Have you ever lost someone you loved: On more than one occasion.
Have you ever been drugged: Probably not in the way that this means.
Have you ever been drunk and threw up: No.
Have you ever run away: Ha. Not really, but we used to save up money and pack a bag, because Amanda and I were going to run away.
Have you ever cheated: yes.
Things you like to do on weekends:
01. sleep
02. get chinese food.
03. watch movies with our mvp pass.
04. hang out with a certain boy at open dorm.
05. babysit.
06. church! I love Spring Valley.
07. work out.
6 things you've done today:
01. woke up
02. did devotions
03. showered
04. yelled at heather.
05. watched 8th and Ocean and laughed at the ridiculousness of it all.
06. early today (12:00 am-1:30 amish) talked to B.
5 of your favorite things in no order.
01. making things for people- really putting time and thought into it.
02. getting mail, especially in the form of packages.
03. my family.
04. music- singing especially, most especially when singing with serese, and making our harmonies.
05. cooking.
4 people you can tell [ALMOST] anything to in no order:
01. Serese
02. Brent
03. My mom.
04. Mella.
3 things that make you smile.
01. Thinking about the future.
02. Little kids, especially the ones I babysit for.
03. SVCC, small group, and everything involving the McNaughtons.
2 things you want to do before you die:
01. get married. have children.
02. write a book.
1 thing that you cannot live without:
01. oxygen... obviously. (good answer, q.) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i love when even abstractions must be kept in the depths of secrecy.
honesty is a hard attribute to find. but i'm working on it.
(thank you for being honest.) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ... i like where life is going.
(i am so afraid of all of this, to be honest. reality is setting in. i could be making choices that effect everything and my whole life- insane right? ... sigh.) | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| "Before you speak, it is necessary for you to listen, for God speaks in the silence of the heart." -Mother Theresa
... happy valentine's day.
mine was just another tuesday.
making it a really wonderful day. :-) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | He's always been Faithful- Sara Groves | | Time: | 09:23 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/sad.gif) sad |
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| Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me
Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
[I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand]
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.
- sara groves
Faithful. True. Consistent. Listener. Speaker. Father.
I am at a place of uncertainty. I have never had so many ambiguous ideals, and unsure desires. And for once in my life, the only thing I want is what God wants for me. I am just not sure what that is.
And it hurts.
I only want to share my heart with ONE person besides God. Despite my lack of skill in the area of guarding my heart, I have succeeded. Now, for the first time that is truly threatened. My heart... is afraid. I want what He wants. I want to live for His kingdom.
... I know what my heart really desires.
I honestly need Him to direct me.
Because I am so scared.
And I want to be happy for people who get to experience this love. Now. Even if it moves faster than my life does.
I want to walk firmly in the path he has. And I want to guard myself for the person I am really supposed to be with... and I am not sure if this is it, but I know this is not the time, and so why am I spending all this time worrying about it and writing livejournal entries that I know that certain people will read and not understand, and other people will read and have an opinion on, and I will just stop and say "But you don't get it... I just don't know what His heart is yet."
God you are faithful.
I trust you.
I don't trust myself.
Help me, Lord. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 06:49 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/mad.gif) determined |
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| i am mourning a loss that has not occured.
i am fighting a fight that was not my battle.
i am carrying a burden that is not my own.
i am struggling against chains that don't bind me.
i am believing in promises to those around me.
i am questioning the lies whispered into their hearts.
i am trusting for their direction and guidance.
i am loving with a love that is not my own. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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megdahla's journal